September 9, 2008
Crystallizing Thoughts
I have always been a women able to envision the possibilities not only of life, but also of homes. And so every house that I have lived in has allowed me to make changes that created a warm loving home. My move to PDX is no different; and the house I purchased was bought with many changes in mind. This last six weeks found some of those changes actually being done! Renovations are never easy — of the house or of our hearts–but hopefully all are better after all the deconstruction and reconstruction! I will say that my house improvements provided an unexpected means to personal renovation, if you will, that was totally unexpected and unsought. It came gradually through the conversations with the contractor over the weeks. A strong, solid Christian man, he & I shared thoughts on where we are in our lives today. His observations caused me to look into past hurts deeper than I have wanted to for the last three years. I guess those bitter Midwest winters had changed this Sunny California girl into a stoic American Gothic farmwife who just didn’t want to face the aching pain any more. I preferred to just go on day to day, keep aloof and not deal with everything from the past. And actually not even moving on –just existing emotionally. Keeping only “safe” (family) loves in my heart…ones that couldn’t hurt me too much. Pushing away, avoiding the prospect of, and not even wanting to allow another to get close. Unable in many ways to really get out of the deep depression of long stress even while putting up a very good front not only for others, but myself.
Anyway, as our conversations slowly evolved over the weeks, I began to realize specific qualities that I needed to see in a man. Prior to this, I had vague ideas of some of the desirable qualities I wanted to see, but mostly I knew what I didn’t want to see in a man. I was able to make the distinctions that crystallized things in my own mind. There is a big difference in knowing what you don’t want and knowing what you do want. The difference is staggering to me. And so, not only did the external house that I live in get changed, but my most personal house , where my life is truly lived, was changed also. Crystal is said to be stronger and clearer if it goes through fire, is cooled, then is fired again and so on. I am still going through the firing process and today nothing is “crystal clear” to me except that I have a long way to go.
