April 2, 2009
How did you Connect with your Adult Children?
This post is actually a reply to a comment by a dear friend. She asked me how I developed the relationship with my children.
It actually started when they were little. I just kept up the “I love you’s” and tried to fight the big battles. I wanted to win the war, not every battle. I tried to let them be themselves, but always gave them my guidance and let them know when I didn’t approve of something. I was a very strict Mom; but a fun one, I think! And they always knew where I stood on an issue.
One big turning point for me was when I had the humility to apoligize to them for a decision I made that didn’t turn out the way I had hoped it would. It let them see that I am human, but loved them. They were teen-agers at the time. And I am sure that they don’t even remember it.
Be real. Tell your son of your desire to really connect with him. Tell him how proud you are of him and specific accomplishments of his you admire. Tell him how your heart stopped when you found out about the near fatal accident and how you realize now that there are so many things you want him to know. Tell him about the heartbreaks and disappointments you have experienced in your life. This sounds like a series of really long letters to China!!!
This is not a “one-time” conversation. It is one that takes years in the groundwork. The actual conversation with my Daughter took place over the course of a week while we were on vacation. And she knew ahead of time that “there were lots of things I wanted to discuss with her”. So, she was prepared emotionally for it and could bring her questions and comments to the table as well. It is so intense that you can only do little bits here & there before you take a break.
The conversation with my Son was one that he initated. But he knew my feelings because I had expressed them several times to him letting him know that I wanted this conversation. He just took the opportunity that was put “in our faces” to respond and initiate the closure of this conversation. He did it out of loving concern for me.
I have two fabulous adult children. I am so lucky and thankful and blessed.
The Sign of Maturity
This diagram shows Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, represented as a pyramid with the more basic needs at the bottom.[1]
I have always felt there is time that most people reach in their lives that to me is “the unmistakable sign of maturity”. Maslow, has his Theory of Self-Actualization, which is a pyramid that illustrates the most basic needs of life at the bottom topped off by the tiny top of “self-actualization”. What that indicates is that one cannot get to the top (self-actualization) unless the most basic needs of food, water shelter, etc. are first met. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow’s_hierarchy_of_needs
I have been aware of this event ever since it happened to me many years ago. The same conversation was held between my Daughter & I about 2 years ago. And my Son & I had that conversation on Thurday. This realization just came to me on the day I received my ovarian cancer diagnosis and my Son, my youngest child, was with me to be my solid rock.
What is Portland Firefly rambling on about, you ask? Give me a few paragraphs and it will make sense.
When I was younger, I started thinking about my life, where I was, where I would have been if ……. many different things had been different. Then I started thinking about what a pretty good person I had turned out to be and to whom did that credit belong?
Parents, of course, come to mind. That is when I realized there were a lot of things that I wish had been different, and I wish that maybe my parents had been different in some ways. But then I got to thinking that we are the result of our total genetics, our total environment and experiences and that sum total only exists for one person –for me uniquely. Even my Brother’s experiences are different than mine — some are similar but none can be exactly the same and so we are very different people in some ways although we share many commonalities.
Then I came to the realization that I am a great person and that my parents did the best they could with what they had at the time. Through it all they loved me, and hurt when I hurt, and smiled when I smiled. Then I realized that I had never acknowledged them for raising me. Hum-m-m. What did I do? I chose to write a letter….a long letter…probably 10 pages long. Talking about all these things and acknowledging them. I did it at the time because it was something that I felt I had to do. I was in my early 30′s.
Then two years ago, my daughter and I had the opportunity to visit beautiful Sedona, Arizona together. Just the two of us for a week, sightseeing, and hiking, and an unforgetable helicopter ride! During that week, we had a beautiful “Heart-to-Heart” talk. It was very emotional for both of us and I was able to say many things that Iwanted her to know and she did the same. It cemented our bond together forever. We were now both two adults relating to each other without that constant Mother-Daughter tension. We have a genuine mutual respect, admiration, love, and acceptance of each other. Does it get any better than that?
Then, last Thursday, March 19, 2009 the day that I received my diagnosis of ovarian cancer, my Son & I had the same talk. Well, not the exact same talk at all, but the same spirit of the talk. The same spirit that my letter to my Father was years ago, the same types of things said that his Sister & I said two years ago. It was an emotional conversation and I was amazed, pleased, honored and moved. My Son has “stepped up to the plate” and become THE person I depend upon right now. It’s a big…no enormous… job and he has fully embraced it for my sake. I never would have chosen these circumstances to validate my children’s maturity; but since it was chosen for us, I have to give them all the credit. They have risen to the occasion and I am more than proud of them. They are my legacy and it is a wonderful one.
I have no worries now about my children. They are both incredible, successful, mature, fun-loving ADULTS. I can finally say that my job as a parent has been a success and I can rest in that accomplishment.
