June 30, 2009
Shredding My Life
One of the things that I have needed to do was to go through old files and purge them. I shred everything and so this means that my trusty shredder has sometimes been working overtime.
Shredding old bills and medical statements is a no brainer and I just keep putting them into the shredder.
But then … there are “the times of our lives” that I have saved in my files. These are the papers that bring up long forgotten emotions. I am amazed at how easily the heading on a piece of paper can re-ignite all of those many emotions that I thought I had “worked through.” I pause and I take a deep breath. I shouldn’t be surprised when I see these papers, but I had forgotten about them. Why do I have to remind myself to breathe… and deeply? It is as though I have to remind myself to live. Yes, life does go on. My life has gone on after all the havoc that these papers caused. Wow, I cannot believe the depth of pain and emotion that this wimpy piece of paper brings out in me. I so hated the pain then and I do not like being reminded of it now, either.
How will I feel after I shred them? Should I shred them? Do I still need to keep them any longer? Can I let the emotions that are wrapped up in these papers go away forever? And the bigger question … Do I want to let go of these emotions forever? I need to think about that for a few days… or a few weeks… or a few years. I am not in any hurry to cut loose of these ties yet. Or at least I wasn’t. This horrible Cancer has challenged me to do things now, so my children will not have to deal with them afterwards. It isn’t fair for me to leave them to sort through my life. It is my life and it is my job to clean it up as much as possible while I can.
I want to go on with living. I do not want to be burdened down with a bunch of paperwork. And there is my answer. I have made the intellectual decision to shred all of them. I do not need to be reminded of anything unhappy. I have chosen love and life and harmony instead of dischord.
Michele LaDuke said,
July 3, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Dear FireFly,
I’ve been thinking of you lately and the task you have to do. It is difficult.
Years ago when I switched to a different computer I did not know how to get my emails to the new computer. I own an expensive computer so I can play the games, so sez my son!
Anyway I printed out ALL the emails because they were a history of my life and my family and friends. I just found them the other day. I need to purge most of it but I find I cannot do it right now.
They date back to when out son went to China in 1995 and his experiences there. I remember when we got the new “contraption” and neither myself or my husband could figure out how to email our son. Everything went through to our neice via phone to Mark and visa-versa. Mark wanted to know why we had to go through Sandy to email him. My reply was”we are old and slow”.
The packet of email is quite large..large with memories and detail of a life lived 10 years ago.
So Pam, get rid of the fluff and keep the stuff. The stuff that makes us who we are.
Always….Michele