January 12, 2010
Weary
Portland Firefly has been debating whether to write this column for the last 12 days. this morning at church I decided it was OK to tell you what I have been going through. Again the object is to maybe help someone else who may be going through similar emotions.
We all become discouraged sooner or later in our life. The are many reasons for our discouragements… physical, mental , emotional, environmental, seasonal.
These last 12 days or so Portland Firefly has been struggling to fight the depression and discouragement of her situation. Oh, nobody knows because I keep it to myself like most of us. I thought that it would go away in a day or two, certainly in a week; but now it is almost two weeks later and I am still feeling weary, overwhelmed, depressed, discouraged.
Yes I had Chemo 14 days ago. I have been on Chemo since March, 2009 and it will continue until the end of October 2010. I am about half way through and I am now starting to feel very weary and worn out from the fierce battle I have been fighting inside my poor body. My beautiful body, now scarred from surgery, getting fat from Chemo drugs, too tired to dance the night away even once a month much less four times a week as I did pre- Cancer. I never had great hair, but I used to have hair –now it is scarves and wigs. I don’t care how great you tell me I look in them, I am tired of them. Too sensitive to ‘off-gassing’ fumes from carpets and draperies that I have to ‘step-outside’ for fresh air at stores and buildings. Eyebrows and eyelashes disappearing again slowly but surely. Skin so dry that it tears if I scratch it too hard. Then it takes a month or more for the scratch to heal because of my lowered blood counts and immune system. Skin so dry that you should not take a long hot healing shower, because it only makes your dry skin dryer. Numb toes and feet that only get more intense as therapy progresses. Having people refusing to let you get off the phone when you politely tell them you need to hang up now because you are ill. Noticing how the once non-existent dark circles under my eyes are deepening. The wonderful Port-a-cath that ‘bothers’ you night and day just because it is a foreign object in your battling body.
Oh, I make myself get up and get dressed and go out of the house most days. even when I’d rather just stay in bed. Most of the time people tell me that I look really good when I go out, but they have no idea the effort that goes into looking good these days. I told my doctor that I should just go out looking the way I feel and then maybe people would understand what I am going through. Knowing me as she does, she said she doesn’t ever see that happening. And she is right! I won’t even answer the door unless I look presentable.
Yes, Portland Firefly is weary, worn out, discouraged, despondent, downcast and depressed but she found hope this morning. Here is it for all of you to read…from Isaiah 40:28-31
