August 20, 2010

Writer’s Break II

Posted in Health, History, Life, Personal tagged Cancer, compassion, emotions, love, ovarian cancer at 12:38 am by pdxfirefly

   As I posted yesterday, I am taking a little break from writing.  But… just as soon as I wrote those words, ideas started coming into my head…..

  I thought that I would explain  further (what I think is ) the real reason for my little break.   It seems that there is so much going on inside my heart that I need time to sort things out.  Yes, I think that is it….  I just need time to sort some of these emotions out in my heart and my brain.

   I have been reading books about Ovarian Cancer as a sort of research for my book that I am writing.  It seems that there is really not very many (what I consider) good books out there on this topic. 

   Most are personal stories about how the woman went to the doctor, had this test done with these results, then had Chemo, then got better, then got worse, describes all of the complications, then got better, then got worse, then eventually died.  I found them boring. I didn’t even like Gilda Radner’s New York Times Best Seller book. 

    I do not want my book to be like any of those; and it will not.  Those books were all about what happened to that person physically,  not about the disease.  I want my book to be a book of substance, helpful and uplifting and not about me, me, me.  Yes, my book will have very personal moments, moments of insight and understanding that will hopefully lead the reader on a  little journey. 

   And then I found one book that follows the stories of Ovarian Cancer patients (in the same support group I attend), but is written by someone who does not have Ovarian Cancer.   I have found this book to be interesting as well as very powerful and well-written.  

   I know some of the women that she is writing about and this book makes me cry.  It stirs up emotions that are deep in my being; it stirs up that choking ache deep inside the center of my chest….

     You know the ache… the one that when you have it,  you think you are having indigestion or a heart attack.  I hope you know this ache; not because I want you to hurt, but because this deep ache, this deep wellspring of emotion shows that our emotions are still working.  And that means that we are alive!

    This book is also thought-provoking and Portland Firefly’s Chemo brain needs time to digest all that she has been reading.  The assimilation process just takes time…. Time that is needed for those thoughts to roll around in my brain while I do other things.  Time for my emotions to soften from the stoicism that has been there these last 18 months.  Time to gather my thoughts about my life and where it is going;  a big change from the ‘high-powered survival mode” that I have been in since March 2009.

   Yes, Portland Firefly is alive!  A year and a half ago, we were not sure that I’d be alive today.  And not only am I alive, I am feeling good and gaining energy weekly.   I need time to process this….

   And so…. I’ll resume writing in a week or so and I promise you… you will love what is coming up…..

With Love to my readers…. Portland Firefly

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